I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
