her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
