I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
Randomize
