I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Randomize
