What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
