Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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