You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Ryan Ross and Jon Walker left panic at the disco today.
I predict a mass suicide of the 14 year old girl population...
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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