I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Randomize
