one might say we're banned from that church
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Randomize
