I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Randomize
