the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I don't want my vagina anymore.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
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