I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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