i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
