This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
