I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Randomize
