she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
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