True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
