I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
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