omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
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