I never want to see another naked old woman again.
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
