I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
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