He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
