do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
I wish you could order shots online.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
We are taking shots for every green Lon-Capa box we get for the homework.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
