oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Randomize
