Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Randomize
