I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
