she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Randomize
