I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
