I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
i'm signing you up for texting rehab
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
