Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
Randomize
