If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
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