my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
