If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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