I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
Randomize
