It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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