omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
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