I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
