So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
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