Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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