Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
