Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
