On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
