Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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