how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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