Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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