Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize