I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
My vagina just clenched in fear
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Randomize
