She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
Randomize