Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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