my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
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