I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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