Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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