You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
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