SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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