So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
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