Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Randomize
