I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Randomize
