Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize
