I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Randomize
