if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Randomize
