fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
I've come to the conclusion, I should prob have at least 20 hr supervision. I would say 24, but I'm guaranteed to pass out for at least 4 hrs a day
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
