The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
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